1 Year and a Rage Spiral

So it’s been one year since this pandemic started. A year ago, we were at our granddaughter’s first birthday party, then headed to Des Moines to meet our friends out for dinner and drinks. When the memories on my iPhone popped up today, I was sad, then angry. My husband got COVID last month and it was no joke. We’ve been married for 12 years (had our anniversary during his quarantine!) and I’ve never seen him that sick for so long. It sucked. I am not the most empathetic person and discovered I’m also not great at being a nurse. Every other woman in my family is an actual nurse- I must not have received that gene. Thankfully, he’s fully recovered and not traumatized over my nursing skills.

Myself, Tiffany and Brandy exactly 1 year ago- maskless at a bar!

I got horrible anxiety watching the news a year ago and now watching the news just makes me pissed off. No one can do anything any more without everyone weighing in with their opinion. I’ve only seen clips of the Megan Markle interview and even I’m shocked at how awful people are being. (And I think people are pretty terrible.) She did what most people can’t do- she told the truth. She told the truth about struggling as a mom and as a wife and guess what? We’ve all struggled but most of us don’t tell people how we really feel. I nearly lost it when someone said, “She knew what she was signing up for.” The hard truth is that no one knows what they’re signing up for. Think about this- if woman has a baby and then three weeks later talks about how she isn’t sleeping at night and that taking care of said baby is more difficult than she thought, no one gets pissy and says, “I told you so!” Instead they offer to come over and take care of the baby so she can get some sleep or make a meal so that she doesn’t have to cook. Why can’t we take that approach when someone expresses disappointment in how something turned out? When I got married, I had no clue the ways our marriage would be tested. No one can see the future. When you say your wedding vows, you don’t envision how awful it is to disagree with the person you love most in the world. And yes, there were people who said, “Well, you knew what you were getting into.” I won’t get into specifics, but let me tell you those conversations didn’t end well. Other people couldn’t believe the things she said about being involved in the royal family. Personally, I’ve always thought it was a little messed up. I mean, look at Prince Andrew. He’s been seen multiple times with Jeffrey Epstein but the palace doesn’t even address that. They didn’t protect Megan and ultimately, it bit them in the ass. “You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write more warmly about them, they should have behaved better”- Annie Lamott. That’s a quote I’ve always loved. They should have behaved better and then were surprised when someone called them out on it. And while I’m on a tangent, Megan Markle won’t see your tweet or Facebook post about how awful she is. Guess who will? Your mother, your daughter, your sister, and your friends. And when one of your friends feels overwhelmed or scared or struggles with their mental health, guess who they WON’T come to? You. Because they know that you won’t believe them or acknowledge their turmoil. I listed to a podcast a few days ago with a psychologist who said that in the event of a suicide the most common statement is, “I didn’t know anything was wrong with him/her. Why didn’t they come to me?” Probably because they felt like they couldn’t. I’m not perfect and I judge just as much as anyone else, but if someone tells me they’re in pain, I’m going to believe them. Because their pain and their well being is valid- even if someone else thinks it isn’t.

Augh, ok, I’m going to get off my rage cycle and be nice now. So far 2021, has been…interesting. I joked that the month of February looked at James and I and said, “Hold my beer and watch this!”. First he had COVID and was stuck home for two weeks, then Arkansas got the biggest snow storm they’ve seen in 100 years. We had 14-18 inches of snow and it was a surreal experience. I’m sure all of my Midwestern friends thought it was just a normal snowstorm but down here, they aren’t prepared the way they are in Iowa. Most cities and counties don’t own snowplows. The landscape here is very hilly and there are no straight roads. We were lucky compared to the people in Texas. We only went eight hours without power and I was able to work from home. We also have some great neighbors who had 4 wheel drive vehicles and were nice enough to grab stuff at Walmart for us when they were there or give James a ride when his car didn’t make it up the hill. In January, my stepdaughter got engaged and they’ve set a wedding date for June of 2022. We are SO happy too officially add Hunter to our family! Shortly after their engagement, they came to visit for a few days. It was a struggle trying to work when my granddaughter kept coming into my office, grabbing my hand, and trying to pull me out to the living room to play. Last weekend, my friend from college and her husband came to visit. We went to Local Lime, hiked at Bridal Veil Falls and checked out downtown Little Rock. I was so happy to actually talk to her face to face instead of over text or Zoom. Next month my parents are visiting for a weekend and I’m ready to see them as well. I told my husband last night, “I’m ready to show our house to my parents and let them see I’m finally being a grown up with a decorated house.”

I really meant this post to be about some things I was into lately, but it appears I’m just into rage and seeing my friends and family. That seems about right. I just finished watching Ginny and Georgia on Netflix. It’s definitely for a mature audience which was a surprise since it’s about a teen. We got rid of DirectTV (seriously, how many channels can you have and still have nothing to watch?) and got Peacock streaming service instead. I love it because it has The Office, Modern Family, & Two and a Half Men. We started watching Modern Family and we’d both forgotten how funny that show is. Peacock also has Yellowstone for anyone out there who hasn’t seen that series yet. I love that series and now I’m convinced I want to be Beth Dutton. I guess I am kind of since I yell a lot and get mad about everything. I’m sure my husband wishes I was a nice, sweet girl most days. I’d say he knew what he was getting into but there’s no way he could predict what a tornado I can be. I’ll just end this with a promise that my next post will be happier and more fun. To my family and friends- I can’t wait to see you in person again. Maybe that will make me less “full of fire”.

** All opinions are my own. It’s pretty obvious no one is going to pay me to go into rage spirals**

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